10 Political Statements Using Food at a Mexican Restaurant



  1. The “Michele Bachmann” Burrito

Take one regular meat burrito. Unwrap and remove all the good stuff, leaving nothing but hot air. Wrap tortilla back up. Make small picket sign using toothpick and sugar packet, proclaiming “Pray Away the Gay!” Sell for $2, just like the imaginary price of gas that she dreamed up while waiting for Marcus to put his clothes back on after another one of his private reversion therapy sessions with a hot client.


  1. The “Rick Perry” Pico de Gallo

Take one Bible, one American Constitution, two letters threatening secession, the concept of public education, the ability to ignore any factual documentation that disputes scripted ranting, and the misunderstanding that Big in Texas does not necessarily translate to national relevance. Chop all ingredients into small pieces. Mix with satanic hair gel. Serve with every evening-news meal whether they request it or not. Wait for most customers to ignore the mess and eventually push it to the side of their plate. Throw in trash when customer leaves.


  1. The “Sarah Palin” Salsa

Set small, empty bowl on table. Walk away before finishing your term as food server. Pause at magazine rack near door, wonder what those things might be, then head out the door to check on the pregnancy status of all your known children, using results to determine the context of future political appearances.


  1. The “Newt Gingrich” Nachos

Dig out menu from 1994. Find dish that no one has ordered in years or remembers why it managed to be popular back in the day. Cover with excessive amounts of cheese and reheat. Serve with a side of pointlessness.


  1. The “Rick Santorum” Sizzling Fajitas

Take one incredibly-hot iron plate, throw on sliced vegetables, strips of meat and some shredded morality. Place this creation on the table of patron just overheard making a gay slur, point at the steaming and crackling hot plate, and announce that this is just a friendly reminder where some people will be going for the hate-based things they have done in their lives. Hand the idiot a tiny pitchfork, then sing a show tune while heading back into the kitchen. (If time and scheduling permits, make this presentation whilst wearing drag, and a commitment ceremony is taking place at a neighboring table.)


  1. The “John Boehner” Menu

Refuse to give the customer anything he orders. Unless it has Tea in it.


  1. The “Rick Scott” Florida Flautas

This one takes some planning. Go online and order an extra-long alien. (There are many websites where this is possible, take your pick.) When he arrives, program him to act a certain way, in a disguised manner that encourages disgruntled voters (read that as: People who don’t bother to actually do research) to vote for him. After the successful election, fry your long alien in Koch Brothers lard, which will chemically alter him and reveal his true colors. Garnish with an air of superiority and a disregard for what the people really want.


  1. The “Wisconsin Cheese” Quesadillas

While most people are looking the other way and thinking something untoward can’t happen in their own state, do some wicked ground-level rearrangements that people didn’t heed the warnings about. With your new and conscience-devoid kitchen staff, force the cooks to create dishes that actually make people less full than when they sat down to eat. (Well, only certain people, the folks who actually work.) If anyone doesn’t want to eat the meal, threaten them with imprisonment.


  1. The “Mitt Romney” Refried Beans

Start cooking this dish on the left side of the stove, move it temporarily to the middle, then shove it to the right and pretend like the first two recipe instructions never happened. Done. (Also available in multiple servings for card-carrying members of the “We still have polygamy but pretend like we don’t” Society.)


  1. The “Glenn Beck” Sour Cream Enchilada

Take one disgruntled ball of sourdough, roll it in tainted grease, and allow it to rise on a stove burner powered by Fox News. Watch in disbelief as the dough expands to epic proportions of slander and stupidity, then step back and smile as the dough implodes from self-importance, the power to the burner is cut off by hypocritical Fox News, and yet the dough refuses to believe that his relevance has expired. Serve with grapes.


  Please take a moment of your time to fill out a comment card on our service, and thank you for dining at Bonnywood Manor!


(Originally posted in “The Sound and the Fury” on 08/19/11, with only slight editing for this post. No need to make any major updates, same clown car, same outfits…)

10 Unresolved Issues about This Rapture Thing

Starbucks Coffee Cup


Dear God,

Hi! I just have a few questions that I hope you can answer. I know you’re really busy lately, what with the Far Right losing its collective mind and all those Toyota recalls, but I’m a little concerned. It seems that every month or so we have yet another organization-slash-cult screeching that you are about to smite us once again even though there hasn’t been any Serious Smiting since… well, ever since people had more than one news source in town.

Still, I realize that The Good Book (an annual bestseller on Amazon!) does make reference to potential retribution, especially that Old Testament business with all the fire and brimstone and begetting. (It’s a really long book. Do you think maybe a lot of people never read the second part? Or any of it?) So of course I want to stay in everyone’s good graces, especially those with a Smite Remote Control device. Perhaps you can help me out with some issues that perplex me…


1. The memos that I didn’t get.

Granted, I can be a slacker at times, not always checking fresh items in my various inboxes in an expedient manner, but I eventually get around to everything. And I don’t have any missives detailing an impending cleansing of the planet. Since I’ve always made an effort to stay on top of current events, constantly researching this and perusing that, one would think that I would have gotten a whiff of something important like “Armageddon’s a Comin’ This Saturday!” But apparently I didn’t get the promotional package, and I’m not sure why.

I’ve checked all of the settings for all of my email accounts, even the secret profile I have on yummyguyz.com. I don’t have anyone blocked, and there’s nothing in any of my spam folders concerning a mass migration upwards, so I’m a little confused. What’s going on with this rapture business? Why have only certain people been made aware of this event, and why are these special folks usually poorly-dressed beings exhibiting bad hygiene, poor social skills, and a clear lack of medication? Please advise.


2. The travel restrictions.

How many carry-ons are we allowed? I have a lot of personal inventory that I really cherish, even though I did get the memo about how material things are basically insignificant in the long run. Do we need anything along the lines of a passport, or is leading a life devoid of hatefulness and racism good enough to get me past those people with cattle prods at the Pearly Security Gates? I would think so. Then again, it hasn’t escaped my attention that many people on this planet are somehow allowed to be complete bigots and insufferable idiots yet they still get high-paying jobs as Fox News analysts.

And can we bring our pets? Because I’m not really sure that I want to go anywhere without them. I mean, I’m fairly certain that they are innocent and untainted by the sins of mankind, since all they usually want out of life is to be loved and offered a tasty treat now and then. Well, except for the one standoffish cat, who insists on doing things that I don’t understand. Then again, I clearly shouldn’t be judging someone who was born with a different orientation than mine. That’s just wrong. I’m not sure why so many people down here are unable to grasp that concept.


3. The accommodations.

I’m sure that you’ve probably worked this out, being all-knowing and stuff, but I am a little concerned about my future digs. Is there enough space for all my worldly goods, those things I shouldn’t covet but I still do? I’m asking from a purely professional standpoint because, as I’m sure you’re aware, I’m a blogger. This means I need lots of electronic equipment surrounding me as I comment on the society that I don’t actually participate in. I’m assuming that you still want me to carry on with this endeavor, although at a slightly higher elevation.

Or do we even have jobs in Heaven? I hadn’t really thought about that angle. Perhaps there’s no need for occupations, thus eliminating the justifications that certain people use to stigmatize other people who follow a different career path simply because life hasn’t been as easy for them as The Stigmatizers. That sounds really swell. I don’t know why we haven’t fully adopted that philosophy Here on Earth. Maybe because some people aren’t happy unless they can feel superior to other people for dumbass reasons that are based on ignorance and unjustified self-worship.

Still, I really like blogging. Are we allowed to have hobbies?


4. The couture.

I’ve reviewed the brochure, and I feel it my duty to point out that I don’t look particularly fetching in outfits fashioned out of bed sheets, all toga-style and such. This might seem a bit superficial, but since you’ve graced me with gayness, it’s only natural that I seek clothing more befitting of a style-conscious cloud dweller. I thought you’d understand. And you do realize that we don’t wear white after Labor Day, yes? Please have your staff send a revised brochure for the rainbow people.


5. The bit about the repetition.

I realize that you have a lot on your plate, what with so many countries on this planet run by extremists who apparently lost all concept of reality the very second that they shot out of the womb, but I do have a slight quibble to air. Could you maybe talk to some of your flock and explain to them that just because they are confused and troubled in their own lives, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the Complete and Total End of the World is Nigh? Perhaps I’m being a bit forward, but really, do we actually need this Fox News-inspired fire drill every other week?

Of course, I fully understand that people need to be aware that their individual actions have repercussions. I’m all for that, and I will happily testify as a friend of the court, should the need arise. But the part I don’t understand is when, exactly, did the responsibility of due-process transfer from your Home Office to various self-proclaimed branch subsidiaries here on the planet? I thought I was only supposed to answer to You. If that’s still the case, could you please send a broadcast email to the people on your “Certified Wacko” distribution list that they need to cease and desist? I would appreciate it.


6. Those lingering, outstanding credit card bills.

Do we still have to pay these things once we’ve been transported? I would assume that such earthly concerns are no longer relevant once we are on the Guest List for the Higher-Plane nightclub. But this whole “transcendence” business has me a bit perplexed, as I’ve tried to do the right thing all my life, but I keep running into obstructions thrown up by cretins who use your biblical documentation as a weapon instead of a more-sensible everyone-is-equal roadmap, which is what I take it to be.

So I must admit that I don’t really understand the bylaws of Redemption. I thought I did, but people I don’t even know keep insisting that they are much more informed on how I should live my life than I am. And they keep pointing to The Bible as justification for their intrusions. Am I missing something? I thought the judging was left up to You. Or possibly some type of Celestial Review Committee. (I know that you are very busy and might have to delegate from time to time, fully understandable, that’s the corporate model these days.)

Still, it would be really swell if I knew that I could max out my credit cards just prior to my (hopefully) Personal Ascension, and that this maxing effort would not adversely affect Those Left Behind who really shouldn’t have been left. Because we know the “whoops, we missed a few” scenario is going to happen, with people who should be ascending not ascending because there’s far too much bureaucracy in our nation and somebody forgets to file the right paperwork to get the good deed done. (Just ask a Veteran, yes?) I want to release every cent of my meager wealth out into the world and hope that everybody wins in the end, a concept that many Republicans could never grasp.


7. The social nuances.

Will I still be able to follow my life-long, self-imposed guidelines of not talking to idiots and fools whenever possible? I know that you love everyone, but I have not yet reached that level of forgiveness and enlightenment. Will the intentionally-insipid people live in their own special quarters, with warning signs placed in highly-visible locations so that one does not accidentally wander into their compound? This is something I must know before I sign any waivers or agreements.

I realize that this may not seem Christ-like in your eyes, but, if we’re going to be honest in our dialogue, which we should be (all the good psychotherapists say so), then I shouldn’t shy away from speaking my mind. I fully understand that there is a certain percentage of stupid people who will be given boarding passes for the Astro-Jet of Ascension. And that’s fine. Stupidity, by itself, is not necessarily a Mark of The Devil.

You can be benignly stupid and yet still be the sweetest person on Earth. It’s the aggressively stupid people who willfully become fervent followers of the Amoral Minority (previously known as the Moral Majority in certain circles where the members of said circles clearly did not understand basic math principles). When your stupidity galvanizes you to work feverishly at denying the rights of others, then your stupidity becomes a liability, and you have to answer for such.

Granted, I’m not on the Celestial Selection Committee, or I would have received my Indoctrination Packet by now. Still, I’m hoping that you have spent some time contemplating the righteous as well as the un-righteous candidates in the Stupidity Pool. I’m sure You’ll do the right thing. But if I may be so bold, may I remind You that You have been Omniscient for untold eons, relaxing and rejoicing amongst Your flock, a flock that doesn’t have any voting rights and therefore can be ignored when they speak of doing things that irritate or annoy you.

I’m still down here on Your experimental planet, where the Stupids still manage to gather in enough numbers to enact legislation that dehumanizes humans who are different. So my feelings about them are a bit more raw, and I haven’t had millions of years to study the Art of Forgiveness. My bitterness is still pungent.


8. The animal sacrifice thing.

We’ve moved beyond that, right?


9. The ecological impact of Gabriel blowing his trumpet.

I’m hoping you’re just parsing the people, not the planet. Because the beautiful bits of nature are not responsible for the disastrous actions of vicious, short-sighted, soul-rotted people who just want to make a buck. Let the majestic mountains remain grand and let the tiny flowers spring forth in the smallest cracks.

I realize that the salvation of souls probably has more of an interest factor for You, considering Your occupation and all, but I’d just like to go on record as one of the Green People who are saddened daily by the actions of others in regards to our planet. (And by the use of the term “our”, I’m not implying ownership of said orb, only that I cherish said orb.) This might seem rather forward of me, but when you did that whole “40 Days of Rain” thing and flooded the planet, it destroyed a lot of completely innocent infrastructure. (It wasn’t the trees, and the flowers, and the animals who didn’t win the lottery to board the Ark, that were sinning, right? But they had to pay the price during the extensive precipitation.) Perhaps we shouldn’t go down that road again? Just sayin.


10. The Do-Over option.

Would you mind terribly if I opted out this time? Not that I don’t want to be there, but the part of me that is actually gracious and hope-filled and truly concerned about decency and justice… that part of me wants to stay and see what you do with those people who do NOT have those qualities, yet claim to be acting on Your behalf. There is a world of difference between claiming to be godly and actually being so. Just as there is a difference in sinning, between those who have simply stumbled and fallen and tried to get back up, and those who have tripped others and then walked over their backs.

So, yes, I think I’d like to be here for the Big Reveal, as the trumpet fades. I want to approach these people on the deserted streets, the folks who tried to beat me down with their twisted interpretations of scripture, their blaspheming of what was truly intended, and their naked, obvious hatred for anyone who is different or doesn’t agree with them. And I want to watch the expressions on their horrified faces as they realize that they had it all wrong, all this time. And then I will ask them to join me at the abandoned Starbucks down the street, where we can make our own coffee and maybe, finally, just talk as equals…

I know this is small of me, this lukewarm revenge. I am small. But I’m trying to learn. I’ll catch up with you on the next go-around. Thanks for the invite. Peace.



(Originally posted in “The Sound and the Fury” on 05/21/11. Revised and edited with extra flair for this post.)


40 Important Life Lessons We’ve Learned from Horror Movies



1. If you have stupidly stored an important item in a basement where the light flickers, you just need to forget about it and buy a new one.

2. If the hotel clerk hands you the registration book for you to sign, and the page is dusty and blank, get back in the car.

3. Do not assume that a massive flock of birds flying overhead is simply natural migration.

4. If an apartment neighbor gifts you with a necklace that smells like tannis root, smile politely, escort them to the door, hurl the necklace into the fireplace, and start packing.

5. The last house on either side of the street is not a preferred destination.

6. Large groups of identical, blond-headed children are a warning sign, not a photo op.

7. If Jamie Lee Curtis shows up at a cocktail party, run.

8. If she shows up at the sequel, run faster.

9. Never investigate any noise that sounds like a chainsaw.

10. I don’t care how sexy he is, if his hands are cold, the deal is off. Move on.

11. If the furniture in your daughter’s room is levitating, don’t you think it’s time to get her out of that room? Stop asking people to come in to the room and poke at her, especially if they know Latin.

12. One questionable grisly death at the isolated resort is enough. Why would you sit around the next morning and try to figure things out over coffee? Go!

13. Pizza delivery guys can never be trusted. Have him leave the box on the porch and shove money under the locked door. Especially if you didn’t even order.

14. If the quaint little tourist town or a nearby lake has a really pretty, serene name, you need to change your vacation plans.

15. Do not grab a bucket and head to the ice machine after midnight whilst wearing a skimpy nighty.

16. If the person you are looking for in the abandoned warehouse doesn’t answer the first time you call their name, just assume that things didn’t work out for them and you need to motor. You’ll make new friends.

17. If you repeat any phrase multiple times in front of a mirror, you’re just asking for it.

18. The very first time you sense something odd in the restored Victorian home that you just had to have? That’s the time to leave. Don’t sit around for days in a frumpy sweater, looking sad, wondering if you’ve made the right decision to buy this place. You didn’t. Take the financial hit and start over.

19. If the babysitter you are contemplating hiring is wearing better lipstick than your own, terminate the interview and change the locks.

20. Hoarded food hidden under the bed means the relationship is over.

21. Socially-awkward girls with puritanical mothers should never be underestimated.

22. If you spy a want ad for a winter caretaker at a Colorado hotel, throw the newspaper away before your husband sees it. And get rid of any axes that might be lying around.

23. Never eat almond cookies.

24. Don’t have wanton, promiscuous sex if you want to make it to the second half of the movie. (Cheerleaders usually go first, add that to your notes.)

25. Former child stars have a lot of bitterness.

26. If someone says “try and get some sleep now,” you’re next. Sorry.

27. Always keep a supply of lumber, nails and hammers in your car trunk, because you never know when you might be in a rural area where you suddenly need to reinforce a rickety farmhouse.

28. Pancake makeup is a sign of depravity. Trust.

29. If you can’t get a signal on your phone, you shouldn’t be wherever you are.

30. If you happen upon children’s handprints on cellar walls, you have roughly one second to shake off the demonic spell affecting you or you’re toast. (But if you do manage to get away, make sure you backhand the hipster chick who is hollering “Josh? Josh!!” with annoying repetitiveness. That’s not helping things.)

31. There are a lot of delusional people who live in ancient, fog-bound English manor houses.

32. Best-selling authors need to pay more attention to their fans. Dirty birds.

33. Learn how to run without falling down at a really inappropriate time.

34. Neighbors who bring a house-warming gift of freshly-baked goods are often possessed by spirits from the ancient burial ground under their house. Don’t eat anything until you have reviewed old land records at the Town Hall.

35. There is absolutely no good reason why anyone should go camping. Ever.

36. People who wear striped sweaters should be avoided at all costs.

37. Try to make your neck as unattractive as possible.

38. Don’t ever say something along the lines of “Cemeteries don’t scare me. I find them peaceful.”

39. Don’t open the closet door.

40. Don’t. Go. To. Sleep.



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