Scotch on the Rocks

Scotch on the Rocks

A shocking example of climate change, through the eyes of a feline…

Hi, People with two legs!

It’s me, Scotch the cat. I’m on Daddy’s toplap again, the thing I’m not supposed to be on, like the kitchen table and stuff that can break, but I don’t think he really cares right now. He’s in the other room, being very mad, and I’m pretty sure it’s not about me.

It’s been a very scary day.

I didn’t know it was going to be scary or I would have just stayed asleep. But I was up way early, before the dark goes away, running around and knocking things over for my Daddies to find later and then wonder what happened while I giggle. The Larm Clock said something with a 5 in it. I can only count to 5, because of my legs and tail, but I’m taking classes to learn more. I’m trying really hard but I know I don’t like that Ho Merk thing. I’m not good at it.

I was slapping at a plastic milk cap in the hallway (I love those things!), when Daddy got out of bed, looking not nice and very sweaty. That didn’t look good, so I ran to one of the places where I can watch things and people can’t see me. Daddy walked over to a little box on the wall, the Thermos Tat, and he looked at the numbers. They were big numbers that I don’t understand. Daddy did something with buttons and stuff, then he said bad words and stomped away.

I ran up to the Thermos Tat and hissed at it, because if Daddy doesn’t like it then I don’t like it either. Then I sneaked behind Daddy and watched him do something with the Circus Breaker Box in the room that’s way at the back of the house. Daddy didn’t like that box, either. He tried to make it do something and it wouldn’t. Then he went outside.

I’m not allowed to go outside. I tell my daddies every day that I want to go out there, but they don’t listen, and don’t let me. This makes me scratch stuff.

Daddy came back in, and he was still mad. He laid back down in bed, still mad. Other Daddy finally woke up, and they talked about Hair Conditioner. Something was wrong with it. A bad wrong. Other Daddy needed to call somebody about the Hair Conditioner, so he groomed himself in the little square room with water, then he left for that place he goes when it’s daylight.

Daddy sat down at his desk and turned things on, the toplaps and everything. That means he’s staying in our house today. Yay! I like it when he does that. I don’t understand why Other Daddy always has to leave when it’s bright outside but Daddy doesn’t always have to leave. But they keep feeding me, so I just pretend like I don’t care. I like treats. Yay more!

Daddy started typing and talking to people on the phone and doing the boring stuff that isn’t about me. This is when he is “working”. I don’t like this part, because when I jump on his boardkey he doesn’t think I’m cute and makes me get down. I never want to be working. It makes people different.

So I took a nap. I like naps. I have lots of places where I can do that, special places only for me. I change my mind every day about which is my favorite. Cause I don’t always remember the yesterday stuff when a new bright light comes in the window.

When I woked up, something wasn’t right. It was kinda warm. My special place in the window was too warm, and I didn’t want to be there anymore. I went to go ask Daddy about this. He was talking to Other Daddy on the phone, and somebody named Pear Man was supposed to come visit, but not until later because Pear Man had lots of places to go, lots of people had Hair Conditioning problems right now.

Daddy said some bad words. And Daddy was only wearing his underwear pants. It wasn’t the right part of daylight for him to be wearing those. I was a little scared, but I could tell Daddy wasn’t talking about me and there was still food in my bowl so they still loved me. I thought I should take another nap, because that’s the best thing to do when you don’t know what else to do.

When I woked up this time, it was all very wrong. It was hot. And Daddy was all shiny, the shiny he is when he walks on the Dread Mill, but he wasn’t walking on the Dread Mill and breathing hard, he was still working at his desk and typing every time there was a ping noise. I don’t think he was happy. He kept looking at his watch and saying bad things about God.

I thought maybe I should just be quiet and not run and knock stuff over. Sometimes you have to do this so people won’t yell. But everywhere I went, it was too hot, and I couldn’t stay still, and I wanted to scratch stuff, even the no-scratch stuff like cow-chess and widow treements. So I went back to Daddy and his underwear shorts and I asked about why so hot and what’s wrong?

He petted me, and said my name lots in the special way that says love, and then he made me lay down in front of a machine. I didn’t want to at first, but he kept making me be still, so I finally did, and the machine was making wind! It felt good, like stretching, and catching tiny things that run. But I didn’t have to do anything, just lay and let the wind make my hair move. It felt yummy like treats. I wanted to stay forever in the wind.

And I fell asleep again, because I can do that really good. When I woked up again, Daddy wasn’t at his desk where people ping and he types. I went to look for him, running through part of the house where it was really really hot, and he was in the Guess Bedroom, lying on the bed and trying not to move. Oh, I know how to do that! I jumped up with him, and he had a bigger wind machine, and I snuggled by him and we just let the wind make it better than places with no wind.

Daddy petted me a lot, and he talked about nice things, and we just “had to get through it” and it would be good again. I didn’t really understand, but there was wind and Daddy and it was okay, so I purred. I knew something was wrong with other parts of the house, but it was nice here, and the Pear Man was coming and it would get better because Daddy wouldn’t lie to me.

I think there was another nap, but I have lots of naps so I don’t always know when I have them. But Other Daddy finally came back from his daylight place, and he and Daddy talked about the Pear Man and if he was going to be coming today because there was a Heat Rave and lots of people had hot houses. I hoped all the hot houses had special wind machines for kitties like me.

Then there was the ding-dong noise that means people want to come into my house. I’m not always happy about that. Sometimes I don’t know them and don’t know what they are going to do to me. Then Other Daddy closed the doors on the room I was in, which means stay there and don’t scratch, so I did. When doors are closed it can be bad and you have to pay special attention and hide. So I hid.

There was a lot of noise and banging. The ding-dong man went to the room over my head. I’m never allowed to go in the sky room, the place where my daddies keep Chris Mess boxes and a tree with shiny things that make me want to whack at them. You have to go up a Lad Her, and I think I can do it, but the daddies never let me so maybe there’s badness in the sky room.

Ding-dong man told my daddies that something was full of water, and that made the hotness come. Water? I make water. Did I do something bad? I snuck under a piece of furniture where nobody could reach me. I sometimes get sad about not understanding things and I have to hide.

More stuff happened in the sky room. I don’t know what, but it happened. Then it got kind of quiet, and I sneaked up to one of the doors for my hiding room, and peeked through the crack. Ding-Dong Man made Daddy sign something and give him a little piece of paper with numbers on it. Then Ding-Dong Man left.

I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I was glad that Ding-Dong Man went away. He didn’t give me any treats.

Then the doors to my hiding room got opened, and my daddies came to pick me up and love on me, which I don’t always like, but I know they need to do this because they are daddies. They showed me that wind was coming out of the ceiling now, not like the wind machine, but it still felt good. They told me I just needed to be Pay Shunt and then all the rooms would be happy.

I made them put me down, and I ran around to smell things, and I think they are right. I can smell feel-good air coming back, not bad air that makes Daddy wear underwear and be shiny and say bad words. I ran back to my daddies and let them love on me a little bit more, then I ran to one of my favorite sleeping places and tried to be Pay Shunt and wait for everywhere to be fun again.

I think I want a wind machine, just for me. I liked it, after I figured out it wouldn’t hurt me. Tabby Lee from the alley says I should ask Sandy Claws for stuff like that. But I’ll ask my real daddies instead, cause they know people like Pear Man and God Am It, and can take care of stuff like they always do. Cause they love me, and when you are a good kitty you should get nice things. That’s why I always keep myself clean.

Piece out.

Scotch.

 

(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 08/04/11. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post.)

 

15 Fun Responses to Irritate Your Annoying Food Service Technician

10 Reasons Food Service

 

1. “How many people in your party?”

I’m standing here alone. Do you think the rest of them are hiding in the bushes? Or is it pathetic that I dine singly? It’s okay if I eat by myself, you know. No one will be arrested, I promise. If it helps you adjust, just pretend that I’ve brought an imaginary friend who can’t actually eat or drink for religious reasons.

2. “Table or booth?”

Okay, wheel-chair and disabled access aside, why would anyone in their right mind take a table over a booth? I don’t want to sit at a little square on a spindly chair in the middle of the room, while heathens on the sidelines with grease dripping off their chins study me like a museum exhibit. I want something with more structural reinforcements, preferably along some wall where the lighting is poor and traffic is low.

Unless, of course, you have crappy booth seats with little shock absorption. I also don’t want to be menaced by Thunderina the Hyper Bear Cub in the booth behind me, launching me into the stratosphere every time she bounces while telling an insipid story about who she saw at Dairy Queen last night.

3. “Would you like a nice, cold margarita?”

It’s 9:30 in the morning! I’ll just have a beer.

4. “Would you like an appetizer to start things off?”

Sweetie, I’m not even in my seat yet. I haven’t opened the little booklet that you shoved at me. Can you give me a few seconds to break the crusty salsa seal so I can pry the pages apart and see what you have to offer? (Do you ever wipe these things down, or are the stains supposed to be part of the charm?) Can you just go get that beer and let me get my reading glasses out? Let’s hold off on the upsell approach for now. I’ll make some sort of hand signal when it’s okay to come back to the table.

5. “Is Pepsi okay instead of Coke?”

Would you rather have a dildo than the real thing?

6. “How would you like that cooked?”

Preferably while Pavarotti is singing in the background. If that can’t be arranged, some light jazz would be fine.

7. “Would you like the half order or the full order?”

Look at the size of my ass. What do you think?

8. “I’ll have that right out for you.”

I don’t believe you. You said that the last time I was here and it took three days before a speck of food showed up. I only kept waiting because I was too weak to leave. But, as I was fading in and out with my head on the placemat, I at least got to watch a drug deal going down one night between the guy who shampoos the carpet and the guy who empties the grease bins in the kitchen. (I know, I’m just as surprised as you are that they clean this place.) It was kind of fun, like being in an episode of “The Wire” where everybody was really, really hungry and willing to do whatever it took to score a chicken wing.

9. “Can I refill your water?”

I’ve taken one sip. The glass is basically full. Why do you want to top off something that’s already topped? Surely there’s something you can do back there in that kitchen besides hover and interrogate people. Maybe work on a better way to wrap the silverware in the napkin so I don’t risk losing a finger when I try to get the surgical tape off the little bundled corpse?

10. “That is the cutest blouse. I was just saying to my friend Dacie the other day that-”

Go get the manager.

11. “Would you like more chips?”

Um, we don’t have any chips at our table. Maybe you meant to ask that other table where they are using coasters to scoop out the queso. One of them just broke a tooth, so you might want to give them something free before they start posting on Yelp.

12. “Can I get you anything else?”

Since you asked, would you mind going to that table over there and explaining to Missing Link and No Teeth that, one, they should never produce any more offspring, and two, no one on this planet is interested in a story about surprise yeast infections. I promise I’ll write about you in my blog if you do. Go on, it’ll be fun.

13. “Save room for dessert?”

Honey, our bellies are so extended right now that the table is not even touching the floor. Flee from here and throw away that stupid dessert booklet that you’re waving about like the crabs are acting up again.

14. “One check or two?”

We’d like everything on its own ticket, please. Even the water. You never know what we might do after we leave this place, and we need to have flexible documentation for an alibi.

15. “Thanks for coming in, and have a sunshiny day!”

You’re getting a tip. Knock it off.

 

(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 12/03/10. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post.)

 

10 Things I Want to Ask Clueless People

Crossed Duct Tape Stripes

1. Why do you hold your wireless phone in front of your mouth when you speak instead of on the side of your head?

Do you not understand that you are actually moving the microphone further away from your lips? If you thought this would help your little friend hear better, you’re mistaken. What type of backwoods situation led to you thinking this would improve things? Hold the phone where you’re supposed to hold it and quit dicking around.

2. What happened to all the mirrors in your house?

Something must have, because if you had caught a glimpse of yourself, you never would have left the house looking like THAT. Then again, based on the stained clothing, unwashed body parts, and hovering gnats, the mirror may not have provided any assistance. Here’s a tip: Take a bath. And stay home anyway. (Side note: Why would you put on something that tight? It can’t possibly be comfortable. Then again, your mind-numbing couture choice just might lead to your accidental sterilization, and that’s a blessing that would prompt the rest of us to leave a healthy donation when the offering plate comes by in church.)

3. Have you heard of that new-fangled thing called birth control?

No? Well, here’s a brochure. It has pictures, so I’m sure you can figure it out. Basically, you don’t have to have a child every time you have sex. No, I’m not kidding. For real! Now, your priest or one of those nun people might try to talk you out of this, saying that you will burn in Hell if you don’t use every egg your body produces to its fullest capacity, but that’s not true. Lots of people get into Heaven with less than 10 children. So run to the store and buy some of those balloon things like in the brochure pictures. Share with all your friends. (But don’t sleep with them. You’ve done enough of that already.)

4. Do you understand why you have to get your car inspected every year?

It’s so people don’t die from you driving a car that you should not be driving. You may think it’s okay that all the trees on both sides of the road instantly perish from your toxic exhaust when you drive past, but it’s really not a good thing. Actual people have to breathe that crap belching out of your rear end, too. I’ve never done anything to you. (I don’t even want to be near you.) It’s a bit unfair that the planet should have to expire prematurely just because you’re too lazy and self-centered to arrange for a bit of automotive maintenance.

Don’t have the money to fix your car? Hmm. Well, somehow you managed to pay for that phone you’re hollering into over the clatter of your busted muffler dragging on the ground while thousands choke on your fumes. Let’s get some priorities, shall we? (P.S. That plastic red tape you used to “repair” your taillight after you backed into the side of the Piggly Wiggly because you were talking on the phone and not paying attention? It’s not fooling anyone.)

5. Is there a sign on my forehead that says I’d like to talk to strangers?

No? Then why are you violating my personal space with intrusive questions about how my day has been and what I think of the Dallas Cowboys? I’m already forced to talk to lots of people that I don’t like, such as supervisors, relatives, and home-repair personnel who feel compelled to provide a running commentary on my decorating choices and the quality of my neighborhood. Perhaps we can come to an understanding where we simply nod briefly to one another and that’s the end of our conversational discourse. Agreed?

6. Do you not comprehend the function of the drive-thru at a fast-food restaurant?

Because you’re just sitting there in your car, blankly staring at the menu board as if it’s written in Swahili and you have no idea what items might be served at this establishment even though you picked it. I know that choices can be confusing, but there are only so many times that you can read everything on the board. And quit hollering “Hold ON!” every time the attendant tries to take your order. It’s not his fault that you can’t make up your mind. What are you waiting for? A vision from Jesus? Just get a cheeseburger. It’s a fail-safe.

7. Do you have a microphone in your hand?

I didn’t think so. Now stop singing along with the song on the in-store radio while we stand in the supermarket checkout line. No one asked you to do this. I just want to pay for my croutons and then get the hell out. I don’t want to be involuntarily serenaded with a rap song, especially one where you clearly don’t know all the right words. You might think you have the music in you, but I’m afraid it’s just a gas bubble.

8. Did you think I was a fortune teller?

I’m not. So you’re going to have to tell me what you want, instead of this fumbling dance about getting to the point. By you just standing there and babbling about inconsequential trivia that means nothing to me, you’re causing my blood pressure to go up, and your chances of any worthwhile assistance to go down. And when we’re finally done? Please fill out this exit survey so I can determine where I erred in my quest to avoid you all day. Thank you.

9. Are you familiar with the Heimlich Maneuver?

Do you think it works in the other direction? Because we really need to get whatever has been shoved up your ass out of there. Let’s put some duct tape over your mouth and try it. Come here.

10. Why did your people make you leave your home planet?

And what can I do to make them take you back?

 

(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 11/29/10. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post.)